From the Desk of the Chief

Why the Monday After the Super Bowl Should Be a National Holiday

 Year after year, just under 100 million people tune in to watch the Super Bowl. Brothers, sisters, cousins, wives, husbands, dogs, cats alike — hell, even the teddy bears turn their plush faces towards the television set on this sacred Sunday. 

The weekly couch warriors that are locked in with a greasy pizza slice in the left fist and a beverage in the right finally have some company as parties with cakes, fruit platters, nachos, chips, wings, and even vegetable trays (please don’t be that guy) are hosted on every street corner from Miami to Seattle. 

Plenty of us will be absolutely glued to our seats as we watch legendary stories unfold. From the Kelce brothers facing off as the first sibling tandem to play against one another in the Super Bowl. To the quarterback matchup between Patrick Mahomes and Jalen Hurts, the first two black starting QBs to face one another in the Super Bowl. To Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid potentially beating his former team in the Philadelphia Eagles — the plots are oh-so deep. 

And even though your little niece may have no idea what any of that means, she’ll still be there stuffing her face Thanksgiving style. So you’re telling me little Rebecca who has two full Dorito bags and a two-liter of Minute Maid in her system should get up at 6:30 tomorrow because she has an Algebra test? 

No, no, no. The answer is no! And your hungover uncle Billy shouldn’t be expected to deliver a business plan tomorrow in those slacks that are too tight for him either. 

Folks, the Super Bowl was the most watched television event by a whole 40 million people last year, with the NFC and AFC Championship games tugging behind. The proof is in the pudding, or in this case, the buffalo ranch dip — we’re all going to be absolutely locked in on Sunday. 

“‘But Evan, it starts at 6:30 PM, that’s plenty of time to watch the game and get to bed at a good hour!“

Oh, please. The anthem will take 20 minutes. Then the coin toss, boom, another 15. We’re lucky if kickoff happens at seven. 30 minutes of glorious football later, which will take over an hour, we hit halftime. And guys, it’s the Super Bowl Halftime Show, we’re gonna be there for an hour.

God forbid I want to see the MVP awarded and the victory speeches; I’m in bed at 11:30 at the absolute best. And I can’t get up at my standard 6:30 AM the next day. Research shows seven hours of sleep isn’t enough for me! We’re all tired, sleepy, and grossly full of wonderfully awful food. 

Thanksgiving, Winter Holidays, New Years, The Super Bowl: The Mt. Rushmore of holiday glory. And only one of these doesn’t see a following day off. It is absolutely clear what we need to do going forward. On behalf of all of America, we want Monday off. USPS priority mail this letter right to the executive office.