Salutations, my adoring comrades! It is I, Citizen M, coming in hot with yet another unprecedented rant. It is the first one for this 2015th year, believe it or not. My resolution for my writing? Number 1: No more bad puns. Number 2: No crying when ideas are scarce. Only cry when an article you write is literally too beautiful. And last but not least: Kick it back “old school” and refuse to write with anything other those feather quill things. Do so until they rip it from your stone-cold hand.

Anyway, what up, Hebron? Or, I guess I should say, what is UP with Hebron? I bet you cannot look me in the eye and say you have never gotten a little peeved at the way Hebron is built (then again, you cannot look me in the eye at all considering these are words and there is the whole “secret identity thing” — whoops). There are just some things that I find to be particularly aggravating.

For instance: the doors. “How can you get annoyed with doors?” I think I speak for many people when I say that I have been personally victimized by the gym doors. Who thought it would be a good idea to have those doors swing out? Yes, it is really funny when other people get door-smacked, but when it is MY arms and MY legs being viciously assailed upon, we have a problem. It gives me even more cause to stay away from the gym.

How about the cafeteria being really cold all the time? I am trying to relax, eat my food, talk to my friends (yeah, Mom, my real human friends), but that is slightly less than impossible when the draft in the room is almost blowing me out of the room. Heat is neat! Also, it is February! Not neat! Very cold! Exclamation points!

The English wing is one of my favorite wings (shout out to Ms. Fulchino). But I think all of you have experienced distress when you had one too many water bottles throughout the day and really had to go. And I mean, go. The fact that there are no bathrooms in the English wing makes this task rather difficult. I have to walk all the way down the Math hallway, and frankly, one these times, I’m not going to make it that far. I guess the contractors of Mt. Hebron were vehemently opposed to the idea of conveniently located restrooms.

Adjacent to the English wing, there is that one really lonely hallway full of despair. Why do I always feel so alone when I walk down it? It is so desolate. Someone, paint a smile on those walls or something. I feel like crying.

Additionally, I know there have been a few incidents in the locker room, but does that mean the doors always have to be locked nowadays? Some kids really just want to put their sports bags away. I mean, what is the point of locking the outside door if the locker room doors inside the gym are still unlocked? To prevent people from stealing? If someone was willing to take the chance to steal anything at all, I do not think they would mind walking around and going through the gym to get to the open locker room doors, anyway. We should have all the doors open or all the doors locked.

When I was a freshman, I did not know where the guidance office was. Even now, I barely even know what I am doing half the time. The least my loving school could do for me is put the Student Services Office in a location where I would actually be able to find it. One would think it would be near the front office, but instead, it is behind a normal-looking door in a normal-looking hallway. The same goes for Mr. Ruehl’s office. I am not saying that there needs to be exploding confetti or a smoke machine right by these places — although a smoke machine would be extremely awesome — but hey, something eye-catching would be nice.

Last but not least, we have elevators — WHY are there no ESCALATORS? Stairs are tiring. I already work my brain enough during the day; my legs deserve a break.

Mt. Hebron is terrific and arguably the best school in HoCo, but those of us who deal with the inner workings of this divine establishment know what it is really like. This is Citizen M signing off. Or whatever you call it.